I process things outwardly. I need to put things ‘out there’ to make it real.
So I’m going to document this journey to health, the journey of putting me first. Mostly to hold me accountable, but also to serve as a record for myself for years from now so i can remember where i was and why i did this.
It’s time. I’ve battled my weight my entire life. I’ve always been chubbier than the other people in my life. The heaviest in the group. I very unhealthy lost weight about 12 years ago, and put it all and then some back on. I thought it would make me happy to be a size 10. I know you wont be surprised to learn it didn’t.
I’ve had two kids, by csection, 12 months apart. My body nurtured and cared and held those babes and i am proud of what it did. My body also cared and held and tended to my dying mother. My hands mixed formula for babies and nutrients into a feeding IV for my mother. My heart loved until it broke, and then still loved and cared some more. My eyes have cried until they burned. My head has laid beside tender soft newborns and dying grandmothers. My feet hurt, My knees hurt, My heart hurts. It’s time, It’s time to put the pieces of ME back together. The pieces that have gone to caring for others for years and years.
A friend got me onto a book called Healthy as F**k. I devoured it. It’s not about my weight. It’s about being happy. I want to be happy. And I can’t wait to lose 100 lbs to be happy. That’s not fair to me, or my kids or my husband. I need to be happy now. I want to be happy now. I’m choosing to be happy now. I’m choosing to embrace my rolls, my wrinkles, my grey hair, because all those things are a part of my story, they are a part of the last 8 years of life that have made me who i am.
I can’t keep waiting for someday, I’m choosing today.
I’m smiling, I’m not full of unrealistic optimism that says that ‘this time will be different’. I’m just going to be me, and enjoy every minute of it.