Sadness.

The grey fall overcast cloudy weather appears to have set in, in my heart that is. It’s been 6 months since mom died and I think the grief is starting to hit harder now. Is that possible? Now that all the sorting and organizing and moving is done? Now that school is started and things are starting to settle before Christmas? Now that the kids are healing. Now that routine is almost found. My body is starting to give in. The weight of the grief is starting to build, I can feel it creeping up on me. The anger springs out of nowhere. The ‘it’s not fair’, the ‘whys?!’ the ‘what-ifs?!’ The peace that I mistakenly thought I was feeling has melted away and opened up this raw feeling of grief, loss, sadness, hurt, anger, resentment, insert any and all negative feeling word you can here.

We just had Thanksgiving. Perhaps it was because it was the first official holiday without her. But the overwhelming wave of grief hit me hard on our drive home from Montreal. We thankfully made it home and managed to squeeze in one more thanksgiving dinner with the Kitchener family. My soul needed that. Being with her friends and family with the people who loved her opening up their arms to us and bringing us in, softened the blow of the holiday just a little. But it still hurt.

Intellectually I know that the grief will come and go, and there will be good and not so good days. That doesn’t change how I manage my life tho. I’m still surprised by the anger that jumps up, the tears that well up, the sadness that I can’t hide. So there it is, another October grey day, chilly outside and in. I’m wrapped up in moms prayer shawl hoping to thaw out enough to function through midterms this week. Some weeks are easier than others. Some months are easier than others. Some days are easier than others. But we keep on moving one day at a time…